I am finally writing my very first blog post. It has taken me a long while to pluck up the courage to do this, as ever since I have joined the online pagan community I have believed that no one would be faintly interested in hearing what my voice had to say.
I am no pagan or occult expert; I possess no witchy credentials or have astral travel mileage behind me. I don’t even own a single animal skull. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did buy a plastic crow skeleton last Samhain and he has sat magestically on my bookshelf ever since.
I am just little old me. A girl who has found herself on a crazy exciting path of spiritual discovery who wants to get back to her bare roots so she can heal herself and others too who wish to come along for the ride. I want to find my home, my tribe.
As a child being brought up a strict Christian, it was easy to feel part of a family, a part of something much larger than myself and I didn’t question a thing that I was being told. Every Sunday and every Day of Obligation I dutifuly turned up to celebrate with others like me, year in year out.
But I gradually became aware of a dawning realisation. I wasn’t like everyone else. I didn’t feel or believe everything that they believed. It wasn’t a one religion fits all scenario. I was going through the motions, but I felt numb inside. What had happened to my connection to God and the Virgin Mary? Did this connection even exist to begin with? Perhaps I had always been blindsided by the pomp and ceremony to even realise that it was never there in the first place.
I didn’t want to be here anymore. I wasn’t here for me. I was here for others. Even God didn’t want to be here.
The day I told my family I wasn’t going to church anymore is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life.
Seven years later it’s all water under the bridge. They have accepted it because they love me, but they don’t like it. They believe that I am still a Christian abeit one that no longer practices and I will never tell them otherwise. It would hurt them too much. Of course this makes me sad that I am unable to share my new spiritual path with them, but I do my best not to dwell on it. I am blessed, however, to have a wonderful husband and children who are as open minded and free spirited as I am. They are also walking their own unique paths in this life, discovering awe and wonder in the world around them and I am proud and excited to be a part of it.
Walking away from Christainity was simple enough, but it was filling the void that was left behind that was the hardest part. I do not use the word “quest” lightly. I was definitely on a quest now.
Soon after I had to move from the city to the countryside, due to unforeseen circumstances, a floodgate inside of me gushed open. An awakening occurred that was somehow miraculously triggered by my new environment. With no light pollution I could see the moon and the stars in high definition, even the international space station zipping over my head. While my hands were in the earth, buzzards and swallows called from nearby. The Divine was here, but nothing like I had experienced before, except only as a child. Childhood memories came rushing back; faeries, spirits……magick.
There was something here more ancient than Christianity, even more ancient than time itself and I craved it. I needed to know what it was, what it was called. So I read and researched, watched videos and researched, absorbing as much as I mentally could. I was like Neo and I was plugged in.
This thing that I had found had a name; paganism. She had a name; the Goddess, but there was more than just one Goddess and there was more than just one God. They all had their own unique personalities and voices and they all had something to say.
I began to feel that I was almost there, but not quite. I needed to put a name to what I was. What was I? Where did I belong? Perhaps I was an Essene, a gnostic? Not quite. A Druid? Yes, there was much I resonated with, but not quite. A Heathen? Yes, oh yes this was it, yet not quite. So weeks turned into months and months have turned into years and I have slowly come to the conclusion that I don’t need a label to define what I am, who I am. I am just me, someone who believes what I believe and these beliefs are ever evolving, ever changing, just like life itself and I am at peace with that. My path, my truth my choice.
I am not the same person I was seven years ago, not even the same person I was six months ago. My journey is changing who I am and it is for the better.
I just wanted to share a little part of me and if you have stayed to the end of this post then I am truly grateful that you have taken the time to listen to what I have had to say. If I have touched or inspired just one person to break free and find the courage to go on their own quest then I am happy.
My aim for this blog is to share my spiritual journey with you and for you to share yours with me, as well as talk about my creative projects, my search for ancestral wisdom and my goal of living a healthy, natural and simple life. And I would feel honoured for you to join me.